E11: Dear Mrs. White Lady, “You Think I’m Fucking With You? I Am Not Fucking With You”
Elon and The Case of The Missing Gold!
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Dear Mrs. White Lady,
In the next few days, Donald and Elon will stake a claim that gold is missing from Fort Knox. I kid you not. Or as the man says, I am not fucking with you.
Yes. You heard me right—they’ll claim gold is missing from the bunker at the U.S. Mint.
I always wondered what the word Mint referred to and if it had anything to do with something being in mint condition, like an automobile? Turns out, “Mint” comes from the Roman goddess Juno Moneta born 269 BC, 🔗 who became the very personification of having coin. Damn, that Wikipedia is good. But I digress.
If Trump and Musk were to announce gold has been stolen from Fort Knox—would it be a shock? Would it even be true? Will it be a fraud perpetrated on America? Even if it is a prank?
HOW DO I KNOW TRUMP AND MUSK ARE HATCHING THIS SCHEME?
Because Commodity Traders are already taking bets this will happen.
Yup. Did some digging. I found two curious event contracts on the Commodity Futures Trading Commission’s (CFTC) website. I really love a government website—in the age of DOGE—that still has a solid search engine—don’t you?
Event contracts are bets that traders can take positions in—like on a Mixed Martial Arts Fight—or whether I will successfully emerge upright from downward facing dog tomorrow morning.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I FOUND?
I found out these cats know exactly what’s about to go down. Those rascals registered at least two bets that I could find on the Exchange.
This is a BIG-DOGE deal—and a warning for what’s to come.
And no, Charlotte, I am not fucking with you.
I also found the CFTC’s Approval allowing DOGECOIN to be traded on the Commodity and Futures Exchanges alongside accepted world currencies—like the Yen or the Euro🔗—giving Musk’s DOGECOIN the appearance of legitimacy.
Oh. Musk also wants to do away with data collection and monitoring to identify market manipulation and insider trading. But I wouldn’t expect anything less.
In case you’ve been living under a pile of weighted blankets for the past few years—and who could blame you—DOGECOIN is Musk’s crypto meme coin. Trump—not to be left out—has his own $TRUMP Meme Coin. More on that later.
THE CARNIVAL BARKER AND THE SETUP
Hurray, Hurray. Hurray. Step right up folks! Gold missing from government coffers! Read all about it! That’s right folks! See how gold bars mysteriously went missing from a guarded military bunker! You won’t believe your eyes!
In case you missed it, here was the set-up from the Oval Office. (With Trump—there’s always a set-up.)
He likes to engage in a middle-school-level of foreboding for his cons. He’s not the most masterful with a sleight-of-hand—but he does manage to fool a great many who show up to the Big Tent nonetheless.
Two weeks ago, Trump told the smartly-dressed, French President Emmanuel Macon and the press—that he and his Musketeer were planning a field trip to Fort Knox—
We’ve seen Trump make wildly ridiculous claims before. They’re eating the dogs. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets. Peaceful protesters are viciously attacking police with cans of soup.
Now, Trump thinks the government is spending millions to fix transgender mice. Some days, I really wish Trump could read.
Donny. Donny. Donny. It’s trans-genic mice—you know—like genetic testing for cancer research. Publis on SubStack bravely asserts in his Letter to Uncle Bill🔗, “no-one pays to put a rat in a dress.” Priceless.
Btw, has anyone checked in on the Haitians in Columbus recently? I worry they may be missing a meal or two—since J.D. has been so quiet. Oh, hey J.D., did you even say thank you to America once today?
In terms of the field trip to see if the gold is there, let me first say—a trip to Louisville may not be as ful-filling for Donald as working the fries 🍟 station at the Golden Arches—or as sexy for Elon as selling our Social Security numbers and identifying information on the Dark Web—But a photo opp is a photo opp. Am I right?
Which brings me back to Donald’s dream of seeing all the gold. Maybe FBI Director K@$h Patel’s next children’s story will be named, “Musk! Gold! And the President’s Big Day!
A WORD FOR THE MEME CURIOUS
A Meme Coin, Crypto Meme, or Crypto Token is still just a meme. A fake little notion of a thing, but not the thing.
It’s like a cartoon drawing of a Surprise Toy at the bottom of the Cracker Jax box, but not the toy itself.
It’s just a trifle. A thing that kids make stickers out of—and adults make paupers and fools of themselves out of.
Many heed the siren song. They buy, sell, and ha! invest in this non-currency. But that’s not my concern. We’ve got bigger Filet-O-Fish to fry 🔗.
THE REAL THEFT WILL COME AFTER THE VISIT TO FORT KNOX
My real concern, Mrs. White Lady, is that the gold in the bunker at Fort Knox will be plundered—sold for a ridiculous fortune—and the profits from that treasure will be stolen from We the People.
Heck, Trump is already listing what he calls non-core Federal Buildings and Land for sale to private investors🔗.
Zillow has listings of such non-essential properties—like the D.C. Headquarters of the FBI, the Dept. of Labor, and ironically—the Dept. of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). Not sure why CIA didn’t earn an honorable mention there. But who’s to say?
I promise, Charlotte, I am not fucking with you.
I expect the National Parks will be sold for mineral rights. Native American holy sites will be bartered and sold again. Breaking more promises and treaties. The land that we first stole, will be stolen again by our President.
Chopped up and sold to the robber barons of the New Gilded Age. But we didn’t care about the rights of Indigenous people then. And—judging by our actions—we still don’t. And that’s gonna cost us.
Let me paint a picture of America in the next three to six months.
Before Musk’s disruption of USAID is even complete. Before farmers and ranchers have missed out on a whole growing season. Once foreign countries refuse to buy anything American ✅. Once MAGA-supporting and non-MAGA ranchers and farmers default on their agricultural and operating loans.
Their land will be seized in an imminent-domain land grab. And sold to soulless hedge funds and Real Estate Investment Trusts. Yup. “That’s just Standard Operating Procedure around here.”
How do I know this? Because for the past 40 years U.S. corporations and the private sector have squeezed as much productivity gains as they possibly could through layoffs, production quotas and labor union intimidation.
They can’t weigh us down or empty our pockets any more than they already have.
Charlotte ? What’s up next in the totalitarian playbook?
Oh yeah. Seize public lands and rape her of all her resources. Timber, oil, natural gas, water, minerals—you name it. Heck, Trump could even sell drilling rights to other countries. I’m sure Russia or China would love it.
And when everyone waves bye-bye to our educational system—as imperfect as it is—the Bastions of Incivility like Tesla, Amazon, Dole Foods, or Purdue Chicken—will have a captive, servile, dependent, uneducated workforce to do the wet work or stoop labor that’s been abandoned by immigrants.
You and yours can chant Jews Will Not Replace Us while you’re hunched over picking lettuce and cabbage; harvesting almonds and apples—or standing in place for 14 hours in a poultry slaughterhouse—wishing you had made better choices.
Now, back to the President and The Oligarch Show already in progress!
I’ve created a pictorial to explain. See Figure 1A. Bear with me. It’s not as tedious as it seems.
The U.S. Treasury’s gold is valued at $42 a troy ounce. Significantly below market prices.
Troy. That’s a new word for me. I was hoping the troy measure had something to do with Helen of the Same Name. But, no. Troy is a unit of measure from the Middle Ages and is named for Troyes, France🔗. Though, in my opinion, it’s not nearly as good an origin story.
But back to our maths problem. Gold on the spot market sells for nearly $3,000 a troy ounce.🔗
What do you want to bet that someone—who’s just greedy and corrupt enough—will come along and offer to buy all the gold as a favor to the American people!
That $24 billion sale would solve ALL of America’s problems!
Cancer would be cured. Hunger and homelessness a thing of the past. Everyone will be White. And dogs will stop chasing cats. Sounds good right?
But this someone who buys it at $42 ounce—and turns around and sells it on the spot market for $3,000 ounce—will make a fortune. To the tune of $400 billion in profit—without even breaking a sweat. 🎶Money for nothing, chicks for free🎶.
Trump could do it. He has enough billions from his stake in $TRUMP Coin to buy at least half the gold reserves at Fort Knox. Dark Investors have poured more than $2 billion into Trump’s coin, which will personally benefit him to the tune of $10.5 billion🔗. Pretty nice oligarchy ya got there. Wouldn’t you say?
And when Trump cashes out of the $TRUMP Coin Casino, millions of MAGAs will lose their life savings—and again, I’m not concerned about that. Caveat Emptor. Buyer beware.
The main concern is that—at the end of the day, Donald and the Run-Fast-and-Break-Things Guy will have their hands on the real gold and the real cash. They’ll capture both sides of the transaction. Like, you complete me, man.
Sweet deal for them, right? Now, if you only could get in on this deal! All you’d need is few US$ Billion.
Figure 1A. Photos: Louisville Courier-Journal and the National Archives.
Gold Bullion valued at $42 a troy ounce at Fort Knox
Current U.S. Value = $24 Billion
Gold Bullion on the spot Commodity Exchange is $2,939.89 a troy ounce.
Ca-Ching$! That’s a Net Profit of $2,897.89 a troy ounce
2025 Market Value = $400 Billion
Now, I know Donny would love to be as grotesquely rich as Elon, but he’s functionally illiterate and needs to keep the braintrust of this con close. To walk him through it. Every little, baby step.
Trump’s wistful thoughts are those of a little boy—dreaming of a far-off land… “because maybe someone stole the gold, tons of it.” Yeah or they’re about to.
THE GOLD! THE GOLD! MY KINGDOM FOR THE GOLD!
Despite all #47s shitstorms, you got to hand it to the treasonous, golfing geezer.
His gold conspiracy is right on brand. McDonald’s. Golden Arches. Golden escalator. Golden toilet. Golden shower. The Trump VISA Gold Card. (That’s his help-yourself-to-U.S. citizenship and leave $5 million on the nightstand plan.)
One King other than our own crown-wearing, President Burger King, also shared an obsession with gold. (I know Charlotte, I’m conflating two fast-food stories into one. I still think it works, though. Let’s keep it.)
King Midas 🔗 was so crazed—he spent his days counting his coins and draping himself in gold—as if he were bathing in it. (Talk about a fetish.) The power to turn everything he touched to gold made dinnertime, however a bit of a disappointment.
Do you ever wonder why the Greeks produced an abundance of gods who just really weren’t that bright? I mean, these folks just never thought these things through!
I could definitely see Trump draping himself in gold. (Although, now I wish I hadn’t.)
ONLY HALF OUR GOLD IS STORED AT FORT KNOX
As a child, I was told that the U.S. gold was safely tucked away from pirates and marauders—in a Swiss bank vault. Turns out this urban fabrication—which came directly from my 5th grade Social Studies Teacher and Kickball Monitor, Mr. Delphi—is incorrect. BULLION!
So, just spitballing here. We the People likely have about $800 billion in gold reserves if we were to sell it on the open market. That’s no small matter.
Despite this wealth, I can hear Musk, the Soup Nazi shouting, “no SNAP for you!”
Sorry kids—we just can’t afford food this year.
BULLION!
I might use that as a swear word from now on. It has a nice cadence to it. Don’t you think?
I had to look up the meaning of bouillon because I was imagining a nice clear, gold broth—you know something you would pair with pork dumplings or matzoh balls.
Bullion: the raw form of a precious metal before it’s made into coins.
THE GOLD AND THE MNUCHIN PROBLEM
To the surprise of no one, no gold bullion has left Fort Knox since it was built in 1937, except minute amounts for testing.
The problem with Trump’s missing gold conspiracy is that Steve Mnuchin, Trump’s first-term Treasury Secretary, along with a delegation of Republican politicians toured Fort Knox to inspect the gold more than eight years ago.
So, let’s assume that Mnuchin’s visit to Fort Knox in 2017 was a fool’s errand requested by the Ronald McDonald McPresident. We can safely assume that Mnuchin’s investigation turned up a whole lot of mnuthin’. Otherwise, we’d have heard about it.
Question. If Mnuchin had secreted out a few gold bars for his boss’ unlawful souvenir collection, would it have even been noticed? Like do they weigh all ya’ll when you enter and exit?
I ask because the FBI found U.S. Senator, Bob Menendez D-NJ, had gold bars sewn into his suit jackets. (They were bribes from the Egyptian gov’t.)
As Trump told Americans to shut up about eggs over the weekend, he committed $3 million worth of FRAUD, WASTE AND ABUSE by playing golf—And he was selling Oval Office Memberships to his MAGAs as well.
In the official badge 🔗 (01:07:50) TRUMP’s name is stamped on the American Flag—which is only an issue if you’re a stickler about the U.S. Flag Code 🔗.
But I think we may be far beyond caring about that level of impropriety these days. What do you think?
Oh. Eggs! Eggs! My Kingdom for Some Eggs!
I wanted to ask if you like the Easter eggs I hide in my letters? FUN FACT: Did you know the programmer, Warren Robinett designed the 1st Digital Easter Egg for Atari’s Adventure game in 1979? 🔗 Cool, huh?
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the latest Miss Maria Farm Report. From the Heartland of America to the Streets of St. Petersburg.
DOGE JOB CUTS 🔗 🔺 Up to 347,000
DJT DJIA 41,350.93 🔻Down 2,674.07 points. 🔗 *That’s really bad.
DJT Eggs 🔺Up $0.33 to $5.51 dozen 🔗
**Note: I’m curious how the market price for eggs dropped from more than $8+ since Friday? I wonder if Trump told DOGE to give egg prices the DEI Treatment? They’re still $9 dozen here.
BIDEN DJIA 44,025 📉
BIDEN Eggs in 2025: $4.10 🔗 — BIDEN Eggs in 2024: $2.23 🔗
SOYBEANS $9.99🔗 🔻Down 16%
Speaking of eggs, it’s getting so a Mrs. White Lady can’t even get an Egg McMuffin anymore!
One last fun fact. The mention of our American Flag earlier got me wondering. Has #47 spent any time with our Troops? I mean, if we’re gonna take over Canada and Greenland, he probably needs to make that happen.
Near as I can tell, the only grazing he’s had with the Military was his ceremonial inspection of the Troops with the First Lady at the Inauguration. FLOTUS is photographed wearing her signature Hamburglar outfit below.
Kudos to the U.S. Department of Wardrobe and Bad Taste, the USDOWBT—affectionately known as U-DOUBT by White House insiders. (I bet they’re probably handlers for Musk’s wardrobe too.)
Talk soon,
-m.
P.S. In case you’re wondering, Charlotte is my imaginary editorial assistant. She is exacting.
P.S.S. Oh, hey Leslie. If you’re making scrambled eggs with the popovers this weekend—try this method.
Instead of a skillet, use a small to medium-sized copper saucepan. It will make the eggs very happy—even if they are scrambled.
Simple. Combine 3 medium eggs and 3 pats of sweet butter in your unheated saucepan. Stir over medium low. You’ll want to keep your eggs company at the stove. Trust me.
Bring your saucepan off the heat occasionally—while stirring—then move the saucepan back to the heat. Takes about 5 minutes. Add chive or Gruyère. Voila!
P.S.S.S. This is a Chef Gordon Ramsay technique. (I know.) But it’s really good.
Miss Maria this episode is edgy, hard hitting and, as always, filled with great insights and information. Your laughter is a strategic placement and hits hard. Keep up the amazing work.
Loved this! Bastions of Incivility? Bloody glorious! Pure gold in fact!